A recent facebook status says I wish I were a comedian so I could say "well, at least I've got new material" about certain life experiences. (or something like that but I'm too lazy to go back and look). Seriously, sometimes it's like, Really? I can not even believe this got so ridiculous....I'm not half as gifted at writing as I am at telling stories (which I think I tell an awesome funny story - don't correct me if I'm wrong, I don't wanna know). But this is what happened.
It all started with a queen size box spring that we no longer are using....I really just wanted it not leaning against my library wall any longer....so I posted it for sale OBO on facebook (true sign of desperation)
And a random, strange (although I wasn't aware HOW strange at this point) woman (lets call her Susie-not her real name) private messaged me and said something like "This is rather forward of me but a friend (lets call her Jane) of mine just lost everything in a house fire and really could use a queen sized box spring. Would you donate it?" I said "SURE! As long as she can come pick it up." Little did I know what can of worms I was opening.
Jane doesn't have a car. Fine. Susie's keys are locked in her truck. Sorry bout that. Just let me know when you work it out. I will be home all week.
This afternoon I get a phone call with the caller ID blocked. Does anyone answer those? I don't. Then I get a screaming text (I know she's screaming because it is ALL CAPS) that she is coming somewhere near my house tonight and can get the box spring. At this point, I don't know if this is Susie or Jane but whatever I want the stupid thing out of my library. Then she asks me to meet her somewhere with the box spring. Um, no. Meet her at DQ so she can follow me to my house. Um, strike two. Meet her at the highway. Not really likely.... I text her and say my house is not that hard to find....and give her directions. (for the record after you turn off the highway it is 2 turns- one of them at a t road and our house is the last on our road)
We text for a while and then she asks to call. Fine. I now discover this is Susie and not Jane. She is apparently meeting someone about a couch. Fine. She doesn't know where they live. Fine. She tells me their names. Ok? She says "I'm a Christian and in the church so I don't talk bad about people but I think these people are shady." and then proceeds to talk bad about them. She, of course, doesn't have the gas money to drive all the way up here if the couch is going to fall thru. She is a single mom. Somehow I feel like I am supposed to have an answer or do something about the couch. I have no idea who the couch people are. I do not care. I finally try to bring the conversation back to something that makes me think she is going to get this box spring by saying "I am not really sure what you want from me. I have a box spring that I am more than willing to give you. I do not know anything about a couch or who is trying to give you a couch. I just need to know if you are going to get this box spring." "Yes, but (what a BIG BUT) I have a panic disorder and it is triggered when I'm driving somewhere unfamiliar. So I'm not sure if I can find your house." Wow! Now I am not making fun of panic disorders or those who suffer from them. But that right there is a red flag.
She is coming to town at 4:15 to meet someone at Dairy Queen and and old lady (her words) for one thing or another. And then she will come here. Fine. I call my mom because I don't want her here without backup and I discovered the King is working late. I expect her to call at 4:15 and be here around 4:30.
At 4:20 I haven't heard from her. So I text her. Oh, she is coming but she decided to eat some supper then she is going to go look at the couch and then she'd try to make it. I tell her that this won't work. I have to leave at 5:30. She replies with "I thought you were going to be home all evening." About ready to blow a gasket I text her that "My evening plans have changed. I was trying to roll with the punches and as she was supposed to be here by 5, I didn't think my plans for the evening were her business."
After 5 I text again. "Are you close?" She replies "I am going to call. You need to answer" Well, alright then bossy britches (notice the R- it is there). So I answer and she puts someone else on the phone who is helping her. I KNOW this person. She was trying to help lead her to my house but Susie didn't know who she was trying to find so my acquaintance wasn't able to help her much. (I think I might see some of her problems finding people-I gave her my address and directions TWICE - She contacted me via facebook more than once). She tells me where they are. THREE DOORS FROM MY HOUSE! She was fine. She just needed to KEEP GOING. I walk to the end of my drive and wave cause I CAN SEE THEM. As she pulls in (in her nearly new Dodge Ram Quad Cab and I feel less sorry for this single mom with no gas money) she says "We had SUCH a hard time finding your house." I just pinch my lips and nod. My dad and I load the box spring. She watches and tries to chat. She has 11 cats and a puppy in her home. That's all I need to know. I leave her standing in my drive and hope she can find her way to the couch (which is in no way likely to fit in her truck). And I think to myself....
1. God gives us all different gifts, and maybe, just maybe, if you have a panic disorder triggered by driving in unfamiliar places, you should not offer to drive to unfamiliar places to pick up random things like box springs for your friends. I think that might not be your gift.
2. Next time I think I'll let Aiden use the box spring for target practice.
3. I wonder if Tim Hawkins needs an opening act. sigh.