Friday Facepalms #2

More funny things that happened this week.

After church:

G: Two of my friends were fighting over who got to sit by me in class today.  I told them "ladies ladies, there is enough of me to go around"
Me: which friends were they?
G.  (both BOY names)  But when I said it they stopped fighting.  

that's a peacemaker.  HA!

M:  There is no such thing as a toy weiner dog.

S: Are you sure?

M:  Yes.  There are toy poodle.  Muffin (my mom's dog) was one. 

S:  What if a toy poodle and a weiner dog had a baby.  That would be a toy weiner dog.  WAIT!  Maybe it would be a woodle.

M  or a pienir.  NO no not that.  

S: maybe not

G:  Lets pretend this conversation never happened

All:  Agreed.


G:  let me tell the story.  I was an eye-witness.  I wish I wasn't.  it was gross.
A:  I witness my eyes every day. 


By the end of this week, I don't really have a sense of humor and I just want to banish them all to their beds so they will STOP FIGHTING!  

Science Heavy week!

We have been on "summer break" since the start of June but that doesn't mean I don't take advantage of "teachable moments."  This week we have learned a LOT of science.

We have 2 goats and are hoping to have babies this spring.  They have to reach a certain weight in order to be bred this fall....they are getting close.  And prompted a conversation something like this.

Me: I think Betty and Lois will be ready to have babies this fall.  And goats commonly have twins.  Yay.
M: That's awesome.  We could have 4 baby goats.
Me: Yep.
M: who will the daddy be?
Me: Well, we will borrow a billy goat.
M:  If we want 4 babies though we need to get 2 billies, Mom.
Me: well, honey, we can just borrow 1 billy and he can be the daddy for both.  It isn't like with people.
M:  cool.  So we can have a bunch of girl goats and borrow and billy and he can just mate and mate and mate and we can have a bunch of babies?
Me:  Yes, I guess that would be true.  (Not going any further down that path just now)

little while later.

M:  how are baby goats born?
Me: well, they grow inside the mama for about 150 days.  Then the muscles in her belly start to cramp and she pushes the baby out.  It looks like the baby comes out of her butt, but it doesn't.  People babies are born the same way.
M: Will we have boy or girl babies?
Me: I don't know.  But if we have boy babies, we won't be able to keep them boys.
M: Why not?  What will we do?
Me: well, a boy baby can't make more babies with his mama and goats don't know that.  Plus boy goats get mean and stink really bad.  Remember Andy (the donkey) and Ben (the mini horse) and how they were mean and the vet came out and did surgery (the boys all watched as much of this as they wanted-which was all of it).  We will do it differently but that keeps them from being mean.  We will use a special rubberband on his testicles and they will come off.
M:  On his testicles?  You mean his balls mom?
Me: yes.
G: (piping in from the back of the van) Can we stop talking about this please?
Me: SURE!

Whew!

Then at dinner the other night we talked about genetics.  That although L is our sister/daughter, her genetics are different from ours.  We drew a family tree on the board and figured it all out.  That cousin Nae has dimples like Nanny.  But L's dimples come from somewhere in her genetic line.  That Cousin Nae is darker skinned like her daddy but Cousin D has our lighter skin and hums while she eats like her mom did and crinkles her nose while she smiles.  (our cousins are visiting so they were good examples-HA!)  Also that although A has some similarity in looks to MY uncle J, that he could not have gotten those characteristics from Uncle J becuase there is no direct line between A and Uncle J on the family tree.

Then this morning at breakfast we learned this....

M: Dad you are awesome but not nearly as awesome as me.
Dad:  Well, that's just not true.  With each generation there are 200 more mistakes in the genetic code....so you can't be more awesome than me.  You have 200 more mistakes in your very make up than I do.  So I am the most awesome.
M:  {crickets chirping} ....I still think that would make a good coffee mug "My dad is awesome.  But not as awesome as his kids".

Science OVER!

So. Totally true story....

A recent facebook status says I wish I were a comedian so I could say "well, at least I've got new material" about certain life experiences.  (or something like that but I'm too lazy to go back and look).  Seriously, sometimes it's like, Really?  I can not even believe this got so ridiculous....I'm not half as gifted at writing as I am at telling stories (which I think I tell an awesome funny story - don't correct me if I'm wrong, I don't wanna know).  But this is what happened.

It all started with a queen size box spring that we no longer are using....I really just wanted it not leaning against my library wall any longer....so I posted it for sale OBO on facebook (true sign of desperation)

And a random, strange (although I wasn't aware HOW strange at this point) woman (lets call her Susie-not her real name) private messaged me and said something like "This is rather forward of me but a friend (lets call her Jane) of mine just lost everything in a house fire and really could use a queen sized box spring.  Would you donate it?"  I said "SURE! As long as she can come pick it up."  Little did I know what can of worms I was opening.

Jane doesn't have a car.  Fine.  Susie's keys are locked in her truck.  Sorry bout that.  Just let me know when you work it out.  I will be home all week.

This afternoon I get a phone call with the caller ID blocked.  Does anyone answer those?  I don't.  Then I get a screaming text (I know she's screaming because it is ALL CAPS) that she is coming somewhere near my house tonight and can get the box spring.  At this point, I don't know if this is Susie or Jane but whatever I want the stupid thing out of my library.  Then she asks me to meet her somewhere with the box spring.  Um, no.  Meet her at DQ so she can follow me to my house.  Um, strike two.  Meet her at the highway.  Not really likely.... I text her and say my house is not that hard to find....and give her directions.  (for the record after you turn off the highway it is 2 turns- one of them at a t road and our house is the last on our road)

We text for a while and then she asks to call.  Fine. I now discover this is Susie and not Jane. She is apparently meeting someone about a couch.  Fine.  She doesn't know where they live.  Fine.  She tells me their names.  Ok?  She says "I'm a Christian and in the church so I don't talk bad about people but I think these people are shady."  and then proceeds to talk bad about them.  She, of course, doesn't have the gas money to drive all the way up here if the couch is going to fall thru.  She is a single mom.  Somehow I feel like I am supposed to have an answer or do something about the couch.  I have no idea who the couch people are.  I do not care.  I finally try to bring the conversation back to something that makes me think she is going to get this box spring by saying "I am not really sure what you want from me.  I have a box spring that I am more than willing to give you.  I do not know anything about a couch or who is trying to give you a couch.  I just need to know if you are going to get this box spring."  "Yes, but (what a BIG BUT) I have a panic disorder and it is triggered when I'm driving somewhere unfamiliar.  So I'm not sure if I can find your house."  Wow!  Now I am not making fun of panic disorders or those who suffer from them.   But that right there is a red flag.

She is coming to town at 4:15 to meet someone at Dairy Queen and and old lady (her words) for one thing or another.  And then she will come here.  Fine.  I call my mom because I don't want her here without backup and I discovered the King is working late.  I expect her to call at 4:15 and be here around 4:30.  

At 4:20 I haven't heard from her.  So I text her.  Oh, she is coming but she decided to eat some supper then she is going to go look at the couch and then she'd try to make it.  I tell her that this won't work.  I have to leave at 5:30.  She replies with "I thought you were going to be home all evening."  About ready to blow a gasket I text her that "My evening plans have changed.  I was trying to roll with the punches and as she was supposed to be here by 5, I didn't think my plans for the evening were her business."

After 5 I text again.  "Are you close?"  She replies "I am going to call.  You need to answer"  Well, alright then bossy britches (notice the R- it is there).  So I answer and she puts someone else on the phone who is helping her.  I KNOW this person.  She was trying to help lead her to my house but Susie didn't know who she was trying to find so my acquaintance wasn't able to help her much.  (I think I might see some of her problems finding people-I gave her my address and directions TWICE - She contacted me via facebook more than once).  She tells me where they are.  THREE DOORS FROM MY HOUSE!  She was fine.  She just needed to KEEP GOING.  I walk to the end of my drive and wave cause I CAN SEE THEM.  As she pulls in (in her nearly new Dodge Ram Quad Cab and I feel less sorry for this single mom with no gas money) she says "We had SUCH a hard time finding your house."  I just pinch my lips and nod.  My dad and I load the box spring.  She watches and tries to chat.  She has 11 cats and a puppy in her home.  That's all I need to know.  I leave her standing in my drive and hope she can find her way to the couch (which is in no way likely to fit in her truck).  And I think to myself....

1.  God gives us all different gifts, and maybe, just maybe, if you have a panic disorder triggered by driving in unfamiliar places, you should not offer to drive to unfamiliar places to pick up random things like box springs for your friends.  I think that might not be your gift.

and

2.  Next time I think I'll let Aiden use the box spring for target practice.

and

3.  I wonder if Tim Hawkins needs an opening act.  sigh.

Heard this week....

We went grocery shopping on Monday.  Car time is a time when we often hear things...funny things....from the mouths of our children.  Monday was no exception.

M:  "Mom, when I grow up should I be a bull rider, a mad scientist, or work in a lame-o office?"
Me:  "Well, I don't think bull rider is a great job choice for you.  I think you make a fabulous scientist but if you work in an office and provide for your family that is totally cool too"
M:  "I think I'll invent an invisible jet pack."
Me; "Mmm hmm"
M: (clearly talking to himself at this point)  "I could be a superhero"  ......long pause.....
        "Gonna need that jet pack."

I. did. not. laugh.  (which is proof that you do not need an invisible jet pack to have superpowers)  ;)